The untelevised reality show that goes by the name ‘elections’ came around yesterday delivering predictable results. Even though the Yankees weren’t playing against the Eagles in the Subway Series last night, you were probably busy watching CSI:East Orange and will now need to view or read a range of pundits opining on the results, to truly understand what transpired at the voting booth. Which you probably will not, given that there is a game on tonight and porn available all day. So, below, for your edification, is a quick summary of all possible opinions on the results:

The Far Right

Elections are part of the vast left-wing conspiracy called democracy. Unless one of our guys wins. Then they reflect the genuine yearnings of the American heartland. Their deep and abiding distaste for the gays. The struggle against the imposition of healthcare. Their rejection of the reverse racism of the idea of racism.

Oh, our guys did win? Sorry, we were busy covering the White House’s War on Fox News and this guy who won the New York Marathon and the fact that he is not really, you know, an American.

The Lunatic Right

“Ya Betcha”. The Real America, which lives in the heartland (that’s our talking point word of today) not in the elitist coasts, has spoken decisionally in Virginia, New Jersey and Maine. God Bless the Real America.

The Ponderous Left

We have once again witnessed the outcome of the lack of class consciousness, as the worker has been betrayed by the bourgeoisie and its identity politics. Obama’s rearguard action against a left bound populace has successfully delivered the same to the right, thus accomplishing the real purpose of his ascendance.

Slavoj Žižek (pronounced: Majorpomo) adds:

I couldn’t help noticing how all the best Marxist analyses are always analyses of a failure … OK, we screwed it up, but we can give the best theory why it had to happen.

The Principled Left

Elections are a waste of time, a distraction to choose between two primary corporate candidates or optionally throw away a vote on some marginalised idealists or clowns.

The Liberal Blogosphere

Once again Naderite elements like Chris Daggett have misled the idiot public to choose the perfect over the good. There shall be a Hand-Wringing Open Thread on Daily Kos at 4pm today that will be crossposted with sufficient sophisticated sarcasm substitution to TPMCafe, to demonstrate the significance of the NetRoots to the Democratic Party. All are invited to attend. Barack Obama has declined to appear (his response: Net what? fruits?), but we have “Hope and Change will Prevail” banner chicklets that you can download and add to your blog or web site. An iPhone app will be available shortly. Click here to donate to MoveOn.org.

Television News

Tune in tomorrow morning to watch Chris Christie, accused of being overweight, hand The Biggest Loser award to Jon Corzine.